Contemplations of an overloaded mommy
Things I've been spending a lot of time pondering the last few days, in no particular order:
- Do I want to try crash-course potty-training, or the more gradual approach? (If I do gradual, I think Rebecca is ready to start, but I'm not sure she's ready for an intense level yet.)
- How should I respond to Rebecca's recently-surfaced "minor" disobedience (refusing to come when I ask, etc.)?
- Why can Rebecca identify several letters, but have absolutely no concept of colors or numbers?
- Which of our friends/relatives wouldn't be offended or disappointed if I only sent e-thank-yous for Christmas gifts, as opposed to hand-written?
- Is it worth it to us to pay someone else to help clean our house periodically? If so, how do I find someone who uses non-toxic substances to clean (like good ol' baking soda, vinegar, essential oils, etc.), and/or how much effort will it take to train someone to do this?
- How on earth are we going to get rid of all the weeds in our yard without using bad chemicals?
- What am I going to make for dinner the next few nights? (I'm getting tired of the usuals.)
- Do we have the right asset allocation in our retirement savings? (Steve was a little squeamish when I told him how much his 401(k) had taken a hit over the last few months.)
- How can Steve and I celebrate our 5-year anniversary in a few months (particularly, how far away and for how long can we go by ourselves, and with whom can we leave Rebecca)?
- Will I ever feel like I'm competent as a wife and mother?
posted by Elisabeth | 5:42 PM
8 Comments:
My thoughts on some of your thoughts, with an understanding that they may not be followed. :)
1. I tried potty-training Becca around 23 months old using a gradual approach (letting her still wear diapers all the time, but checking every half hour and if she was dry putting her on the potty). I got frustrated so fast. She just wasn't ready, since she wasn't even telling me when her diaper was wet.
Two months later she told me she didn't want to wear a diaper one day, so I let her just wear her dress with no diaper (around the house). I reminded her a lot those first few days to tell mommy when she had to go potty. And she did! We went diaperless at home until after Ally was born and then we went out to get panties for her. I've kind of followed her lead after that--when she asked, we let her start wearing underwear when going to the park and church too and now for naps too.
The only place I have not followed her lead lately is when she asks to wear a diaper when we are at home (And it's not night time) since I know she can do the whole underwear thing now.
Learning to go to the potty is such an individual thing. Kids are so different in how they handle it and when they are ready. I'd try it for a few days or a week and see if Rebecca takes to it. If she doesn't, don't get discouraged or discourage her. Just give it a break for a month and try again.
2. Ah yes, I remember Becca starting to do the same thing somewhere between 18 and 24 months. We're very big on get off your butt parenting. :) I know that's hard when you're tired (or pregnant, as I was when it first started).
Basically it's about helping our children obey by getting off our butts and helping them go through the steps. So, if I say, "Becca, please come over to, Mommy", and she doesn't, then I go over and help her come obey. Sometimes this may result in a show of emotion (aka tantrum) on Becca's part, and in that case, we try to help her through her emotions by talking it through with her and helping her to learn to share her feelings without having a tantrum, but when that is done, we still try to go back to obeying what we asked her to do.
Sorry, that was long. All that is to say that we as her parents, are training, teaching, helping, and leading her. We're on the same team as her and it's good to remember that, since when she disobeys, it's easy to place ourselves against her and make it a tug-of-war.
There are a few times, that if Becca does something like throw something at me right after I tell her not to throw it at me, I will put her on a chair for a minute for my sake as much as hers, so I can gather my thoughts and calm down. Then we always sit and talk with her in my lap afterwards (Nate's so good at this) about how she disobeyed and that it is sin and how Jesus died for our sins so we can be forgiven and about turning from our sins and obeying, etc. We always end with a hug and an I love you and sometimes a prayer.
Just my thoughts. I'm sure other things work too, but that's what we've done.
3. All kids are different, of course, but Becca still doesn't know many of her numbers. She can now identify most capital letters, but only in the last few months and her colors have just come in the last few months too. It will come.
4. The thing I like to do when I send an email thank you is to attach a picture of Becca or Ally using/wearing the gift. That's something I couldn't do easily with the handwritten ones.
And thank you for reminding me that I need to write thank yous and have Nate call his grandmother. :)
5. I would love to have someone clean my house once a month. That would be hard to find someone who didn't use every day store cleaners. I hope you can find someone if you do that.
6. No idea! Hope you find something, and blog about it if you get the time and energy.
7. Some easy meal ideas:
--Baked oatmeal
--Pancakes
--Scrambled eggs and cheese in tortillas with salsa, sour cream, avocado, etc. and quinoa...my favorite grain, if you can find it.
--Quesadillas--we make ours with deli ham/turkey, cheese, and mashed avocado mixed with salsa
--Chicken caesar salad--marinate chicken in caesar or italian dressing, bake, slice over romaine lettuce with parmesan cheese and dressing
--Pizzas using whole grain pitas (from the store, not made at home)
--Turkey meatloaf (if you like meatloaf, which I do)
--Smoothies and muffins (a very light dinner)
8. No idea again! I don't know much about those.
9. Happy very early anniversary! It's our five year this year too. If I lived in Houston still, I'd go to Austin and stay in a bed and breakfast there. But I haven't been there before and wanted to go.
Can you convince anyone in your family to come stay at your house with Rebecca for a couple nights or even just one night?
10. First, I think you are just the right wife for Steve and mommy for Rebecca. I know you love them so much and try so hard.
I remember Linc telling us before Becca was born that we were going to be good parents, but we were going to fail a lot and that was good because it made us more dependent on Christ. I'm super-dependent on Christ these days! Being a wife is hard, but being a wife and mommy is even harder. My sin is not pretty and it comes out easily when I'm stressed and tired. As mommies and wives and daughters of the King, we are dependent on God for his grace to be all we can be (forgive the army reference) to our husbands and kiddos.
Lean on Christ. He is sufficient in your weakness. It's a good reminder for me too, to write that. I need to hear it right now too.
All right. I'm beat and it's soooo late. I'm off to bed.
Goodnight. Love, Tricia
Wow, Tricia, you have so many good ideas! Thanks for your practical suggestions and encouragement. I especially appreciated your approach to discipline, as I think many parents are too quick to spank. I miss seeing you, but glad that we can still keep in touch. BTW, we appreciated your brother's advice about cars, too, but have decided to put that decision on hold for a few months, after realizing our car wasn't worth quite as much as we originally thought.
You would love talking to Corrie about what she's learned from reading "Love and Logic." It's about letting your kids learn to make choices in the little insignificant things so when the big things come along in life they know how to make good choices. She's definitely dealt with a lot of time outs for Jenna and even some 30 minute tantrums screaming in her room. She would definitely be a big help for ideas. And the good news is that Jenna seems to be past a lot of that now and is generally very cheerful and obedient.
Hi, Heather! Corrie did recommend the Love and Logic books to me several months ago, and I read one. I do try to offer choices whenever possible, but many times I feel ineffective at carrying out the concept. It's hard for me to continually think of new choices for different situations. Many times Rebecca doesn't choose either option I give her, and then I have to end up either offering a new choice, or choosing for her anyway. It's also hard for me to communicate with her when she can't even tell me "yes" or "no." She has had a few time outs, but so far I have reserved those for the worst cases...maybe I need to use them more often. Except it doesn't work in some situations...like, if she's diaperless and I'm trying to put a clean diaper on her and she won't hold still, I'm not going to give her the option of going to her crib or putting her diaper on, because she would clearly prefer going to her crib, and I don't want to have to wash the crib sheet and blankets again. In the diaper-changing situation, I have tried asking her if she would like to hold a book or a "friend" (that's what we call her stuffed animals) while I chnage her, and she still won't stay still. Or if we're trying to get ready to go somewhere important (doctor's office, for example), I'll give her the option of her walking to the car or me carrying her to the car, and she will run away. I can't put her in time-out in that example, either. So I guess I need more specific examples of choices I can give that will work for both of us.
I'd like to touch on the discipline issue. First of all, I don't consider a child not coming when asked to be "minor" disobedience. It's a very basic lesson which a child needs to respond to quickly. For example, what if he/she is standing on the curb of the street ready to run into it before you can get to him/her. The lesson to "come" needs to be well engrained so he/she will respond without hesitation. A child needs to learn to obey immediately (as your father always said, "Delayed obedience is disobedience."). Obedience needs to come first; explanations can come afterwards. Children must learn to trust that when their parents command something it is for their own good (and parents must not abuse this power). When we were starting out as parents, many years ago, there were two popular completely opposite lines of thought on discipline. One was that if your child disobeyed YOU must be doing something wrong (not spending enough time with them, aggravating them, etc.); you were advised not to spank but to love on them more. The other was that the moment your child disobeyed in any way they needed to be spanked immediately to curb their rebellious nature. In reality, somewhere in between makes the most sense. I would be careful about placing spankings on the back burner of your discipline repertoire. The Bible talks about what happens when you spare the rod, and I don't think that is just a figurative rod. Spankings are effective, they get the point across loud and clear and quickly, and they still allow for you to love on your child and explain why they were disciplined. Time outs and withholding treats or privileges also are effective depending on the offense and/or the child. Love, Mom
Mom, thanks for your input. I agree that there needs to be a consequence for failing to come when I call, but I'm not convinced at this point that it needs to be a spanking. So far I have not heard a convincing argument that the "rod" in Proverbs refers to hitting a child with a stick, as opposed to it being a shepherd's rod used for guidance and direction. The same Hebrew word is used for both, so both are possibilities, which is why Bible-believing Chrisitians have differing viewpoints. This morning Rebecca refused to let me dress her, even when I told her we were going to the library. So she had to go to her crib (with no friends or blankets) until she was ready to cooperate. I checked on her every three minutes, and finally the third time she was ready. So a time-out was her punishment, along with being ten minutes late to storytime, although I'm not sure she really cared about being late, except that we had to sit at the back and she couldn't see the books and props very well. I just need to remember to start getting her ready earlier whenever we go anywhere, so that I can allow time for discipline issues.
Hey Elisabeth! I have some thoughts about hiring someone to clean house...
My stepmother has multiple sclerosis, and her primary symptom is fatigue. It's not uncommon for her to be asleep more hours in a day than she is awake. No one in my entire family could be described as "tidy", so it would often look like the house had exploded. With her MS, kids, a husband and no innate need to clean, there was no possible way the house could ever be "presentable" on a day-to-day basis.
She started having Marcia, her house cleaner, come over every Thursday a couple years ago, and it has made a huge difference in her life. Even though she only comes once a week, the house stays much cleaner throughout the week than it used to, and Marcia does all the icky chores like scrubbing bathtubs that everyone else dreads. Now Linda doesn't feel like she spends all her time cleaning with nothing to show.
In my personal opinion, a little cleaning help is a luxury that's worth the money. I can't wait to have a dishwasher...I find that I complain more than I'd care to admit about having to wash each dish by hand. I feel like I'm constantly washing dishes, but if we eat even one meal, it looks messy again.
Yes, it's POSSIBLE to always clean your own house, even if you're always tired. But for my step mother, having a little help has drastically increased her enjoyment of her home.
-Rachel Louise
Thanks, Rachel. Cleaning kitchens and bathrooms are definitely time-consuming, ill-liked chores. It helps to be able to have an example of someone else who is tired like me and thought it was worth the expense. I need to ask around for some recommendations of housekeepers and see how much they would charge.
BTW, I just learned last night of a possible opportunity to tutor a pair of middle school twins taking Spanish, and I could use my money from that to pay for cleaning, since I would much rather do Spanish tutoring than clean. Espero que pueda hacerlo!
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